


The Exile

by Kitsprite



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/F, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, gamzee fuck that guy, i hadnt intended it but feferi turned into a badarse, karkles would be happy with this list of tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-11-02 03:27:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10936020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitsprite/pseuds/Kitsprite
Summary: In Which A Heretical Heiress Abandons Her Duties And The Empire, A Jadeblood Betrays Her Caste To Pursue A Pale Romance With A Blood Mutant, A Yellowblood Evades Helmsduty And Hides His Rustblood Moirail From Culling Drones, Two Cullable Injuries Are Overlooked, Unenslaved Aliens Are Courted Red And Black, A Teal Trainee Legislacerator Aids In The Evasion Of Justice, A Seadweller Aids In The Evasion Of The Fleet, And A Purpleblood Sopor Addict Rejects His Degenerate Past And Embraces His Duties And Rights. Featuring A Treasonous Heiress, Unculled Mutants, Dereliction Of Duty, The Cult Of The Mirthful Messiahs, No Less Than Three Interspecies Romances, Rejection Of The Hemospectrum, And A Cladecull Worthy Heresy Against The Empire. Banned Throughout Alternian Space.





	1. 1

Kanaya: Ruminate On Palecrush  
You were making a rather fetching jacket in black and grey, with only subtle jade trim, you intended to send it to Karkat as a condolence gift for his recent broken diamond. He had been strangely subdued in the weeks since his breakup. If it could also be interpreted as a pale courting gift, well, so be it. It really depended on how he interpreted the trim. For the longest time you had thought Karkat was jade. It made sense, he typed in grey to obscure his hemotype, and male jadebloods were rare, almost vanishingly so, and frequently targets for abuse. Even more abuse than female jades outside the caverns. Besides, his tendancy to care so much, even hidden like it was under a cantankerous nature, screamed jadeblood. It wasn't terribly romantic, but you always suspected the seeds of your pale affections might have been planted in the expectation that Karkat would join you in the caverns, when all your other friends went to the fleet.  
Over time you came to pity him for other reasons. Because he so clearly hated himself, platonically, so much that he thought nobody would ever pity him. Because he feared the drones (you suspected its cause to be a fear of the caverns, for jadebloods were too valuable to cull for lacking pails, and besides, the drones were incapable of hurting a jade). Because he felt he had to keep everyone at a distance with his shouting and his anger and his insults, so that they'd never see the truth of him, even while he did all he could to help them (getting Nepeta to cajole Equius into making a four-wheel-device for Tavros, giving Sollux somebody to talk to about Aradia without feeling like he was cheating on her, helping you through your flushed woes with Vriska, trying to get Gamzee off the pies). Because of how much he loved romance, of any quadrant, and all the media that dealt with it, even though he thought himself unquadrantable. Because he did a thousand tiny pitiable things that made your pusher ache pale.  
Your affections in the flushed quadrant came and went, you were heartsbroken when Vriska left you, and your ashen crushes were fast, unfufilling things. Your spade never really filled, though you had a brief crush on a tealblood seamstress who's lines were wrong in the most aggravating ways before you realised she wasn't flirting, she was just that incompetant. You pitied Karkat all the more when his moiralliegence with Gamzee ended with the clown choosing sopor over him. He had tried so hard, and it took all your restraint not to pap him right then (and also the fact that he lived almost a quarter of a planet away).  
And then Gamzee did sober up, and it all went to shit.

terminallyCapricious (TC) began trolling  grimAuxilliatrix (GA) at 23:40  
TC: HEY JADESIS  
GA: Gamzee Are You Feeling Well You Are Typing Oddly.  
GA: Also Nobody Has Heard From You In Nearly A Perigee.  
TC: nah im motherfucking good  
TC: BETTER THAN EVER, EVEN  
TC: no more motherfucking pies clouding up my thinkpan with their false miracles  
TC: AND NO MORE MOTHERFUCKING MUTANTS WITH THEIR MOST BLASPHEMOUS OF MIRACLE COLOURS  
TC: honk  
GA: I Have No Idea What You Are Talking About And I Am Starting To Get Concerned. Should I Tell Karkat To Troll You.

Meanwhile, you had already trolled Sollux, just in case this was one of the 'hackiing2' he had warned you about.

grimAuxilliatrix (GA) began trolling twinArmageddons (TA) at 23:47  
GA: Sollux Gamzee Has Just Started Trolling Me And Is Typing Very Strangely.  
GA: Is It Possible That It Is Not Gamzee.  
TA: II 2uppo2e 2o. Giive me a 2econd, ii'll check  
GA: Thank You Sollux.  
TA: holy 2hiit KN, iit'2 GZ but fuckiing look at hii2 eye2  
twinArmageddons (TA) sent file holy2hitmurderclown.png.  
GA: That Is Indeed Concerning. Should I Tell Karkat.  
TA: don't bother ii already diid  
TA: ju2t keep talkiing to hiim. iif he'2 troliing you he'2 not kiilliing 2omeone  
TA: Al2o, ii made a memo 2o everyone el2e know2 not to go near hiim  
TA: here  
TA: you 2hould tell everyone what he 2ay2  
TA sent link fuckiingmurderclownmemo.

 

twinArmageddons (TA) opened memo 2o GZ2 fuckiing lo2t iit at 23:52  
TA invited apocalypseArisen (AA) adiosToredor (AT) carcinoGeneticist (CG) arsenicCatnip (AC) grimAuxilliatrix (GA) gallowsCallibrator (GC) centaursTesticle (CT) caligulasAquarium (CA)and cuttlefishCuller.(CC)  
TA: fuckiing look at thi2 2hit  
twinArmageddons sent file fuckiingclown2.png.  
TA: he2 trolliing KN and 2he 2ay2 he'2 beeiing really creepy  
GC: WELL TH4T 1S 4 PROBL3M  
GA: Yes. He Also Says He Is Sober.  
CG: WHAT THE ABSOLUTE NOOKFONDLING FUCK. NO. I LEFT THAT SHITSTAIN AND I REFUSE TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.  
carcinoGeneticist (CG) has left the memo.  
GA: And Also Something About Blasphemous Colours. Oh Karkat Has Left.  
GC: TH3 COURT F1NDS 1TS3LF UN4BL3 TO CL4SS1FY TH1S 3V1DENC3 4ND C4LLS MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST TO TH3 ST4ND  
TA: KK and GZ broke up  
GA: Karkat Was Unable To Convince Gamzee To Give Up Sopor.  
GA: I Suspect The Fact That He Is Now Sober Is Even Worse.  
CA: ouch that wwould fuckin hurt  
CC: poor krabcatc)(!  
CT: D==> Finally the highbl00d recognises that that hemoannonymous trash is beneath him and is embracing his tr00 nature  
AC: :33< ac feels sorry for karkitty, but must adjust her shipping wall and talk to her meowrail about his absolutely pawful response.  
arsenicCatnip (AC) has left the memo  
CT D==> fiddlesti%.  
centaursTesticle (CT) has left the memo  
GA: Anyway Sollux How Do I Attatch A Chatlog.  
GA: Gamzee Is Saying Strange Things About  
GA: Oh Dear.  
grimAuxilliatrix (GA) has gone idle  
TA: what the fuck  
GC: MS M1NTY FR3SH TH3 COURT D3M4NDS TO KNOW WH4T 1S GO1NG ON  
GC: MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST C4N YOU G3T H3R B4CK?  
TA: giive me a 2econd and ii'll have her chatlog wiith GZ  
TA: fuck  
twinArmageddons (TA) has gone idle.  
CA: wwhat the fuck

TC: NAH SIS, I TOLD YOU  
TC: i don't need any motherfucking mutants  
GA: I Am Uncertain What You Mean. Are You Saying Karkat Is A Mutant.  
TC: MOTHERFUCKING MOST BLASPHEMOUS  
TC: so if you see that motherfucker, remember he's mine to fucking cull  
TC: HONK  
grimAuxilliatrix (GA) has gone idle

About this point you began to panic. Karkat, a mutant? He was doomed. And so were you if you didn't report him, or cull him yourself. Not even a jadeblood was so valuable as to be exempt from that law. And yet, you couldn't bring yourself to do it. Hope sprung from the idea that maybe Gamzee was wrong, or it was a non-culling mutation. Maybe Karkat had psionics, rare but not unheardof in midbloods? Or Gamzee had made a mistake and thought male jades were mutants. It was the kind of mistake he might make. You decided to troll Karkat about it anyway, he deserved to know that Gamzee was making those accusations.

grimAuxilliatrix (GA) began trolling carcinoGeneticist (CG) at 00:02  
GA: Karkat I Need To Ask You Something And I Need You To Answer Honestly  
CG: OH, HEY KANAYA. SURE.  
GA: Are You A Mutant.  
GA: I Ask Because Ganzee Seems To Think You Are.  
carcinoGeneticist (CG) has gone idle.

Well, that answered that you supposed. No doubt he was panicking right now.

====> Be The Mutant With Nothing Left To Lose  
Well, that's it you supposed. You'd had a good run, even had a short relationship before you fucked it up. Honestly you lasted longer than you had thought you would. You kind of wished it hadn't been Kanaya who found out. You considered starting a memo, just being honest with everyone, but you just couldn't quite sum up the energy. You do, however, manage to let Crabdad out and tell him to go hunting. Then you settle down to internally debate whether or not to just cull yourself and save everybody else the bother.

====> Be The Hacker With A Lot To Lose  
Your name is Sollux Captor and right now you are freaking the fuck out. Because if KK is what you think he is he is so boned, which means you and FF need to speed your plans way the fuck up. Especially if GZ is lucid enough to report KK to the authorities once he decides he can't find him. For now, you're going to grab KK and take him to AA's, then you suppose you're going to have to work out how you're going to get everything ready, or at least portable, before GZ figures out where you've gone.  
Fuck, you also need to find some way of stopping any of the others from helping him. TZ is most dangerous, so you'll start with her while you're flying. CT should be easy, you just need to get FF to order him not to. Actually, you should get FF to order him to help you with the plan. Your husktop pings while you're trying to workout how to transport your silicomb mainframes, and you almost fry some datagrubs.

grimAuxilliatrix (GA) began trolling twinArmageddons (TA) at 00:04  
GA: Sollux I Know You Are There.  
GA: You Never Leave Your Husktop.  
GA: You Have Probably Already Read It But I Just Had A Very Alarming Conversation With Karkat.  
TA: jegu2 woman give me two 2econd2 ii don't actually read every conver2ation you have.

You read her most recent conversation with KK.

TA: 2hit  
GA: While I Would Understand If You Felt You Had To Cull Him I Would Remind You That He Is Your Best Friend And That Not All Mutations Are Cullworthy.  
GA: Yours For Example.  
TA: iif you thiink ii would cull my be2t friiend then why the fuck are you talkiing two me?  
GA: Because I Cannot Get To Karkat Myself In A Timely Manner And You Can.  
GA: And Somebody Will Need To Get Him Away From His Hive Before Gamzee Can Get There.  
GA: So I Am Asking You To Retrieve Karkat And Bring Him To Me.

Actually, that wasn't a bad plan. KN lived far enough out in the fucking desert that even if GZ figured out where her hive was he'd still probably die trying to get there. And if her thinly veiled threat was what he thought it was, she probably wouldn't freak out too bad when she found out the truth. Actually, if the scraps of info you'd been able to ferret out of the depths of the internet are anything to go by, she might feel some kind of special jadeblood obligation to protect him. The jades seemed to have been pretty pissed about the Limeblood Genocide. And even if she did want to cull him, you were confident you could cull her first.

TA: 2ure. ii wa2 going two go get hiim anyway cau2e he2 dumb enough two 2iit around and waiit for GZ two cull hiim. ii wa2 goiing two take hiim to AA2, but your hiive ii2 better.  
GA: Good. Please Hurry Then We Can Work Out What To Do Long Term Later.

It'd be a shame to have to cull KN. You always liked how practical she was.

====> Be The Blind Girl  
Your name is Terezi Pyrope and you have a mystery to solve. Mr Boysenberry has gone off the rails and now has spicy chilly eyes, and Ms Minty Fresh and Mr Appleberry Blast are panicking about something and won't answer your messages. And Karkles won't answer you either. You've considered trolling Mr Boysenberry, but you're leaving that as a last resort lest he decide to redirect his rage towards you.  
Instead, you've decided to troll Appleberry's moirail, since he might still talk to her.

gallowsCallibrator (GC) began trolling apocalypseArisen (AA) at 00:10  
GC: H3Y 4R4DI4  
AA: hell0 terezi  
GC: 1S MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST T4LK1NG TO YOU?  
AA: n0t at the m0ment  
GC: D1D H3 S4Y WHY?  
AA: n0  
GC: DO YOU H4V3 4NY TH3OR13S TO SH4R3 W1TH TH3 COURT?  
AA: n0  
GC: OK TH3N

Well, that was a longshot anyway. Aradia had been weird ever since Sollux almost killed her. You missed the old Aradia, and you still seethed with anger every time you spoke to this pale imitation. You decided to try Sollux's flushcrush next.

gallowsCallibrator (GC) started trolling cuttlefishCuller (CC) at 00:16  
GC: MISS BUBBLEGUM, THE COURT CALLS YOU TO THE STAND  
CC: O)(, sorry t--Er--Ezi, i'm too busy right now to glub with you.  
cuttlefishCuller (CC) has gone idle

Damn. Whatever it was, Feferi was involved too. You smelt the bitter tang of a conspiracy. You decided that the best course of action was to seek your lusus' advice, so you went to your 'coon.

====> Feferi: Plot  
You had always wished you could change Alternia. You gave up when you were not much more than six sweeps and realised you could never hope to defeat the Condesce. Since then you started plotting with Sollux to start a colony far outside her reach, where you could build a powerbase. You had been meaning to bring most of your friends into it slowly, carefully. Aradia and Tavros were obviously going to join, though Tavros couldn't be told until right before you left in case Vriska managed to bully him into telling her. Nepeta would think it an adventure, and Equius would help if you ordered him to, it was just a matter of ap-perch-ing them carefully. Eridan was going to be one of the hard ones, but you really did need him. Shitty moirail or not, he was a brilliant strategist and you'd like to have him in a couple of hundred sweeps when you were ready to take on your ancestor. Kanaya you really needed, she had a matriorb, but like Terezi, she was also probably the most dangerous. Crabcatch you'd also wanted to bring in near the end, but Gam-sea you now had to reclassify from definitely to shell no.  
If Gamsea had gone off the deep end you were going to have to speed everything up. You had been planning to use him as a propaganda tool when you eventually made your move, seeing as he was the descendant of the Grand Highblood, but apparently he was more like his ancestor than you'd all thought. Unfortunate, but ultimately not that big a blow. What was making you glub with worry was the prospect of him uncovering your conchspiracy, which you already knew was going to get some of your contacts in the Homeworld Monitoring Section of the fleet culled (you did feel bad about that, but they were all willing to pay that price). Your tablet pinged a special note to tell you Sollux was trolling you with a special encrypted program he'd written.

TA: FF we have a 2eriiou2 problem  
TA: KK miight be about to get culled  
TA: ii'm going two hii2 hiive two get hiim before GZ can  
CC: water you glubbing aboat?  
TA: GZ told KN that KK ii2 a mutant and that he2 going two cull him  
CC: holy ship  
TA: and KN asked KK iif he wa2 a mutant and he ju2t went iidle  
TA: probably 2o he could pii22 hii2 pant2  
CC: how did Kanaya react?  
TA: that2 the iintere2tiing biit  
TA: 2he threatened me  
TA: KN want2 me two take KK two her hiive  
CC: that would be a great idea, espeshelly since it gives you a reason to be there!  
CC: you can look for the matriorb so even if Kanaya isn't onboard with the plan we're not tidally screwed!  
TA: holy fuck FF when diid you get thi2 ruthle22  
TA: iit'2 kiinda hot  
TA: <3  
CC: <3  
CC: anywave, try and find out what Crabkat's mutation is, it might be useful.  
TA: ii wa2 going two, 2ubtly. whatever iit ii2 he think2 iit'l get hiim culled, 2o he'll be in for our plan  
TA: whiich wiil make gettiing the other2 in ea2iier  
TA: e2peciially KN TZ and NP  
CC: 3>:?  
TA: they all have cru2he2 on hiim  
TA: fuck know2 why  
TA: KN pale NP red and TZ eiither red or black iim not 2ure  
CC: dam if you'd told me that i'd have started working on him perigees ago.  
TA: 2orry  
TA: ii have to go now and get KK  
TA: iill troll you when we get to KN2  
TA: <3  
CC: <3

You supposed that if you had to get everything moving faster, you had to get Equius onboard right awave. Which sucked, because seriously, fuck that guy. At least you didn't have to glub with him directly yet.

====> Karkat: Face The Music  
There was a hammering on the door. No doubt the drones, here to cull you. After a few minutes, you gather up enough dignity to go and face them like a troll. You do, however, quickly message Sollux first.

carcinoGeneticist (CG)began trolling twinArmageddons (TA) at 03:41  
CG: HEY. I'M ABOUT TO BE CULLED. COULD YOU COME GET MY SHIT AND DISTRIBUTE IT AMONG OUR HATEFRIENDS. AND TELL THEM THEY DIDN'T PISS ME OFF AS MUCH AS I SAID THEY DID.  
carcinoGeneticist (CG) has logged out

Right. Face the drones like a troll.  
You opened the door expecting to be impaled by a huge red fork, so it was a bit of a surprise when you were hugged by a skinny little troll instead.

====> Sollux: Kidnap Best Friend

Honestly, as manicplans go, this wasn't the worst one you'd ever thought up. It was just, as your thinkpan came down and started to slide towards the depressive, you started to see the flaws. Like the fact that the empire still existed and could find out where KN's hive was, and would have no problem with bombing it from orbit. You were going to have to spend most of the trip over there erasing every hint of KN from the internet and Imperial records, which incidentally meant she was going to have to come with you and FF when you left or be culled for being unregistered. Which was a really shitty way to get her to come along, and meant you were a terrible person, but you were willing to take that to keep KK safe.  
It was almost morning by the time you reached KK's hive, which meant you had to revise your plans a bit. You could spend the day making KN and KK non-existent, and then fly first thing in the evening, before GZ or the drones could get their asses in gear. You message FF quickly to ask her for her passcode for the fleet systems, then you steel yourself for the inevitable raging and slew of denials. KK takes a fucking eternity to answer, during which someone trolls you, but you ignore it in favour of trying to figure out if KK might have grown enough of a puzzlesponge to fucking run.  
Then KK opened the door and looked so defeated you hugged him without thinking. When you broke apart you could see he was trying not to cry, and you had a moirail so you told him to pull himself together because you had work to do.  
"What the fuck to you mean, work to do?" KK asked, "I'm going to be culled for being a disgusting mutant, remember? Did you want to know which asshole gets which of my possessions?"  
"What. No. KK, I'm here to fucking thave your ath."  
KK muttered something. You'd never actually met in person, so it was something of a surprise how quiet his voice was. You'd expected him to be all shouty like he was on trollian, but you supposed it made sense. As far as you know, he'd never actually physically talked to anyone, so why wouldn't he speak softly when he only ever talked to his lusus.  
"You're not going to let the drones cull my disgusting carcass?" He spoke up.  
"No. I'm going to take you to KN'th. She wantth to thave you, for thome reathon," you said, "tho you need to get any of your thtuff you want to keep while I fucking dethtroy any trathes of you or KN I can find, 'cauthe we're leaving firtht thing tomorrow."  
He sputtered something about you throwing away your life, so you snickered and patted his head, which was hard 'cause he was actually a bit taller than you, and said, "don't worry, KK, me and FF have a plan. I'm not tho thupid that I'd throw mythelf to the droneth."  
"Fuck you and the hoofbeast you rode in on."

====> Feferi: Coordinate With Coconspirators

You sent Sollux your access codes to the fleet systems, which the Condesce had given you to 'mako fins interestingray'. You don't know why she bothered, except that she seemed to like her heiresses to have hope when they challenged her. Or maybe it was supposed to be a taunt. Either wave, you'd made good use of them to make contacts in the home system garrison and the threshecutioners. It was easy enough to find out who had lost a quadrantmate to the drones, or the lacerators, or some highblood's random whimsy, and then make contact and suggest slowly and carefully that they could get their revenge by helping you. Then you sent them each a different encrypted chat program Sollux had written and gave them a few test tasks to make sure they weren't spies, and even then nobody but you and Sollux knew the whale plan.  
So far you'd only had to have three people culled.

CC messaged RC at ????  
CC: need to know if any illegal mutants reported in last peregee  
RC: checking  
RC: 3 reported  
CC: details  
RC: cerulean w/ webbed fingers, culled 12 nights ago  
RC: brown w/ psi and tail, culled 22 nights ago  
RC: rust w/ wings, culled 35 nights ago  
CC stopped messaging RC at ????  
Erase messagelog y/n  
Y  
Messagelog erased

You trolled Sollux next.

CC messaged TA at 04:23  
CC: unless crabcatc)( )(as webbed fronds, a tail or wings )(e )(asn't been reported  
TA: cool  
TA: thank2 FF  
TA: ii'll tell KK 2o he 2top2 fuckiing paniickiing  
TA: iit2 almo2t dawn here 2o we'll head two KN'2 at 2un2et  
TA: can you check iif anyone ha2 talked to GZ  
CC: shore  
TA stopped messaging CC at 04:31

cuttlefishCuller (CC)opened memo anyonetalkedtogamsealately  
cuttlefishCuller (CC) invited apocalypseArisen (AA) adiosToreador (AT) arsenicCatnip (AC) grimAuxiliatrix (GA) gallowsCallibrator (GC) arachnidsGrip (AG) centaursTesticle (CT) and caligulasAquarium (CA) to the memo  
CC: so )(as anybody glubbed wit)( gamsea since the last memo  
AA: n0  
AT: i, uH, hAVE NOT, NO.  
AT: tHE, uH, pICTURE KIND OF FREAKED ME OUT.  
AT: sORRY.  
GA: I Have Not Spoken To Gamzee Either.  
CA: nope  
GC: 1 H4V3 NOT H4D T1M3 TO 1NT3RROG4T3 H1M Y3T  
GC: BUT YOUR BUBBL3GUM T3XT T4ST3S OF WORRY  
AG: what last memo  
AG: are you guys leaving me out of things  
AG: laaaaaaaame  
GC: BLUH  
GC: WHY D1D YOU H4V3 TO 1NV1T3 H3R  
AG: the question is why wouldn't she invite me  
AG: im gr8  
AA: ...  
AT: uH...  
GC: ...  
CC: because s)(e mig)(t have talked to gamsea since )(e lost it  
CC: )(ave you?  
AG: no  
AG: i dont even know what youre on about  
AG: ::::?  
CT: D---> the highbl00d has embraced the rage that is his hatchright  
CT: D---> and has left the unc00th wretch vantas  
GA: He Now Seeks To Cull Karkat.  
GA: And Possibly Any Others He Comes Across  
AG: and n8ne 8f y8u th8ught t8 t8ll m8 th8t g8mz88s g8ne 8n 8 f8ck8ng m8rd8rspr88????????!!!!!!!!  
GA: Technically He Has Not Murdered Anybody Yet.

Not even Glubby knew much, only that you had a plan to overthrow your ancestor. You used to trust your lusus completely, but over time you came to realise that she was just as much the Condesce's lusus as yours and there was no way of knowing who she'd choose when push came to shove. You sigh, the pressure scattering some cuttlefish, and keep typing.

CC: is anymoby w)(aling to glub wit)( gamsea to find out w)(at hes dugonging?  
CC: ot)(er t)(an equius  
AA: it pr0bably w0uldn't be a g00d idea f0r me t0 talk t0 him  
AT: iT, uH, pROBABLY WOULD NOT BE THE BEST IDEA FOR ME TO TALK TO HIM EITHER  
AT: eSPECIALLY IF HES ON A CULLSPREE  
AT: bECAUSE OF MY LEGS  
AT: aND, uH, hOW THE DONT WORK  
GA: You Are Correct That That Would Not Be A Good Plan  
GA: Similarly I Do Not Think It Is Wise For Me To Draw Gamzees Attention  
CA: i don't reely wwant to  
AG: i don't see what all the fuss is a8out  
AG: so karkat gets culled  
AG: who cares  
GC: SHUT UP VR1SK4  
GC: LOTS OF P3OPL3 C4R3  
CT: D---> i do not particularly care if vantas gets culled  
GA: But Nepeta Would  
GA: And If You Dont Help Us Stop It I Will Tell Her  
CT: D---> she w00ld see that it was right and proper event00ly  
GC: 4R3 YOU C3RT41N SH3 WOULD?  
GA: She Is Rather Smitten  
GA: You Should Know How Flush Crushes Persist  
GC: >:?  
CT: D---> fiddlesti%  
CT: D---> then i will speak with the highbl00d  
CT: D---> and see if his determination is still as STRONG  
AA: actually it w0uld be best if y0u didn't  
GC: OH, 4NYTH1NG TO SH4R3 W1TH TH3 COURT M1SS R4SPB3RRY?  
AA: 0nly a feeling  
GC: W3LL, H1S TYRR4NY 1S W1LL1NG TO OV3RLOOK TH3 F4CT TH4T YOUR T3ST1MONY 1S H34RS4Y 4ND 4CC3PTS IT  
GC: 1'M W1LL1NG TO 1NT3RV13W TH3 SUSP3CT  
AT: tHATS PROBABLY THE BEST IDEA  
AT: yOURE, uH, kINDA SCARY  
AT: wITH HOW GOOD YOU ARE AT GETTING PEOPLE TO TELL YOU STUFF  
GC: 1 KNOW, BUT TH4NKS 4NYW4Y CHOCOL4T3 M1LKSH4K3  
CC: ok. Teresea glubs wit)( gamsea, no one else talks to )(im  
CC: the last thing we want is somemoby getting themshellfs on his culllist by accident  
GA: Agreed.  
AG: fiiiiiiiine  
CA: ok fef  
AT: aLRIGHT  
CT: D----> i still maintain that we should be aiding the highbl00d  
CC: DONT MAKO ME ORDER YOU, PEASANT!  
CT: D----> but i will do as you command  
AA: 0k  
GC: 1LL POST 1N TH3 M3MO WH3N 1 KNOW SOM3TH1NG

====> Be The Blind Girl With A Mystery To Solve

Your lusus had not been able to offer much more that encouragement, but that was ok. A nap helped you put things in perspective. Karkles was in danger from the shittiest clown, and you had a mystery to solve. What, exactly, did your favourite charcoal-grey boy have to do with 'Blasphemous Colours', and why did your previously harmless stoner clown want to cull him? And what was Miss Bubblegum's role in all this? Appleberry had always been good pityfriends with Karkles, and Minty Fresh had the most painfully obvious palecrush on him, but the heiress had barely interacted with him as far as you could sniff out. It might have been a grand gesture of pity towards Mr. Mustard, but somewhere deep in your thinkpan that just didn't ring true.  
Since it seemed your only current avenue of investerrorgation was to talk to Gamzee, you volunteered to get down with the clown.

gallowsCallibrator (GC) started trolling terminallyCapricious (TC) at 04:55  
GC: H3Y BOYS3NB3RRY  
GC: WH4TS UP?  
TC: honk  
GC: ...  
GC: >:?  
TC: WHATS WITH THE QUERY NOODLE FACE MY MOST LEGAL OF SISTERS?  
GC: YOU S41D HONK W4S UP  
TC: so i did  
TC: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA MOTHERFUCKING DO ABOUT IT?  
TC: honk  
TC: HONK  
TC: honk  
TC: :o)  
GC: TH3 COURT 1S W1LL1NG TO L3T TH4T T3ST1MONY ST4ND  
GC: 1NST34D, 1 4SK TH3 W1TN3SS  
GC: WH4T DOES H3 M34N BY BL4SPH3MOUS COLOURS  
GC: 4ND HOW DO TH3Y R3L4T3 TO TH3 COURTS F4VOUR1T3 CR4BBY W1GGL3R?  
TC: honk honk honk  
TC: YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU DONT KNOW  
TC: you with your miracle sniffer  
TC: TRUELY THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS ARE LAUGHING  
TC: miracles  
GC: TH4T DO3SNT 4NSW3R TH3 QU3ST1ON  
TC: ALRIGHT THEN MOTHERFUCKER  
TC: sit your ass down and ill let you in on the wicked truth  
TC: YOUR LITTLE PITYFRIEND IS A MOTHERFUCKING MUTANT  
TC: of the most blasphemous sort  
TC: ILL SEND YOU SOME OF THE SWILL FROM HIS VEINS  
TC: its your favourite colour  
TC: BRIGHT MOTHERFUCKING HERETICAL RED  
TC: honk  
TC: HONK  
TC: honk  
TC: HONK  
TC: honk  
TC: :o)  
GC: OK TH3N. 1 LOOK FORW4RD TO 1T  
GC: 1 LOV3 R3D  
TC: motherfuck yes  
TC: I KNEW YOU WERENT GONNA BE UNFUNNY DRAGONSIS  
TC: ill troll you again  
TC: RIGHT NOW I GOTTA CULL A MOTHERFUCKER WHOS MAKING THE MOST UNRIGHTEOUS OF NOISE.  
terminallyCapricious (TC) went idle

Well. Presuming that Gamzee hadn't lost his mind entirely, always a possibility, the things just got a whole lot more serious. You'd have been a little disappointed how quickly you made your choice, but you had always known you were more a servant of justice than the law.

gallowsCallibrator (GC) started trolling grimAuxiliatrix (GA)at 5:06  
GC: M1SS M1NTY FR3SH  
GC: W3 N33D TO T4LK 4BOUT K4RKL3S  
GA: What About Him  
GC: YOUR3 P4L3 FOR H1M  
GC: 4R3NT YOU?  
GA: ...  
GA: Not That I Am Comfortable Discussing This With You  
GA: Especially In Our Current Circumstances  
GA: And Just Because We Are Discussing My Pitylife  
GA: Does Not Mean Gossip Is What Is Taking Place Here  
GA: Which Is A Fact That I Am Stating For The Record  
GA: But  
GA: Is It Really That Obvious  
GC: 3V3N 4 BL1ND G1RL C4N S33 1T  
GC: 1TS WORS3 TH4N YOUR R3DCRUSH ON SP1D3RH4G  
GA: Damn  
GA: Yet I Suspect That You Did Not Troll Me Just To Let Me Know How Obvious I Am With My Pusher  
GC: SOUND R34SON1NG, COOL-4ND-R3FR3SHING  
GC: 1 H4V3 R34SON TO B3L13V3 K4RKL3S W1LL B3 1N D4NG3R 3V3N 4FT3R W3 D34L W1TH BOYS3NB3RRY  
GC: SO 1 N33D YOU TO K33P 4 G4ND3RBULB ON H1M UNT1L 1 C4N SN1FF H1M 1N P3RSON 4ND COM3 UP W1TH 4 PL4N  
GA: But I Live A Quarter Planet Away From Karkat  
GA: Why Aren't You Asking Somebody Nearer  
GA: Like Sollux or Nepeta  
GC: C4US3 1 H4V3 4 F33L1NG TH4T YOU W3R3 4LR34DY PLOTT1NG YOUR W4Y 4ROUND TH4T  
GC: 3SP3C14LLY S1NC3 YOU H4V3 4 BUDD1NG P4L3M4NC3 TO MOT1V4T3 YOU  
GC: YOU KNOW HOW MUCH K4RKL3S LOV3S H1S S4PPY MOV13S 4ND TH31R STUP1D GR4ND G3STUR3S  
GA: So You Think I Have A Chance  
GC: 1 M4Y B3 BL1ND, BUT 1 C4N SM3LL HOW K4RKL3S T4LKS 4BOUT YOU  
GC: H3S 4DOR4BLY D3F3NS1V3  
GC: SO G3T WOO1NG  
GC: 1 LOOK FORW4RD TO SN1FF1NG YOU 1N P3RSON  
gallowsCallibrator (GC) stopped trolling grimAuxiliatrix (GA) at 05:12

Right. Next stop, Appleberry.

gallowsCallibrator (GC) started trolling twinArmaggedons (TA) at 05:13  
GC: H3Y 4PPL3B3RRY  
GC: M1NTY FR3SH ROP3D YOU 1NTO H3R SCH3M3 Y3T?  
TA: ...  
TA: what do you know about iit?  
GC: 3NOUGH  
GC: 1M GL4D SH3 WORKS SO F4ST  
GC: K33P K4RKL3S S4F3 T1LL 1 G3T TO M4RY4MS  
GC: YOU KNOW HOW UNST4BL3 N3W P1TY 1S  
TA: fiine  
TA: ii wa2 goiing two do that anyway  
TA: except for the part where youre somehow gettiing two KN2  
TA: ii wont waiit two long for you though  
GC: 1 WONT T4K3 TOO LONG  
GC: 4 BL1ND G1RL H4S H3R W4YS OF G3TT1NG ABOUT  
GC: ALSO, T3LL M1SS BUBBL3GUM 1 W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT H3R SCH3M3S  
TA: ...  
twinArmaggedons (TA)  blocked gallowsCallibrator (GC)

And now, you wait.

====> Kanaya: Dream  
Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and you walk these golden streets wreathed in sunlight. You love it here, the little white-shelled people are kind, even if they're mute, and have terrible fashion sense. You decide to fly for a bit, since that's a thing you can do here. High above, you can see where dark lines mar the perfect beauty of the moon, like scars. Even some of the great towers have scarlines. You wonder, sometimes, what had happened to this place, but deep in your pusher you know that you don't want to remember.  
There are seven towers here, for six sleepers. You decide to visit one. Inside, it is a mess of honey and datagrubs, silicomb and annoyed bees. This is Sollux's (one of Sollux's?), and he dreams fitfully, as he ever does. You wish you could help him, but you know you can't. The clouds have already told you he will awaken without you, so you leave him. Instead, you go to visit one who you know you can help.  
Karkat's tower is also messy, its walls scrawled with awful pictures and strange, almost incomprehensible stories. When he wakes, you will ask him about them, and that knowledge is enough to keep you from thinking too much about it. He spasms, trapped in one of his nightmares. You long to pap him, soothe away the distress, but you know it would not be right. Here, in this place, you don't know why you ever thought him jade, he's far too cold. You sigh, and look out his window. Perhaps the clouds will give you some help with your current predicament.  
They do not, instead they show you a strange creature with pink tinged pale skin and yellow-white hair and no horns, female, you think, and beautiful. Her eyes are lavender, and she talks to you, touches your cheek. You blush, and then she kisses you. The impression you have of her is light, bright and shining, and a mind sharp enough to match Terezi. She's lost in her own maze of words, you remember despite having never seen her before, and the memory is accompanied by so much pity it hurts.  
While nice to know, you wish the clouds had told you something more immediately useful then that you'll be red for an alien. You wake up with a feeling of disappointment as the dream fades. The vague memory of lavender and pity are all that remain.

Sollux ====> Fly  
You drag KK out of his coon about half an hour before sunset so he can clean himself up and gather any shit he wants to take with him. You had finished erasing him and KN from the imperial records hours back, and had also written a fake cull report for a rustblood at KN's coordinates, so noone would wonder why there was a hive there. While KK is in the trap, you troll FF.

twinArmaggedons (TA)trolled cuttlefishCuller (CC) at 17:56  
TA: hey FF, we're leaving 2oon, 2o ii'll be out of contact for a whiile  
CC: ok. Any idea what crabcake's mutation is yet?  
TA: maybe physiical. he wear2 clothe2 two the coon and he'2 been really neurotiic about beeiing touched. he'2 colder than me though.  
CC: )(mmm. Cod be anyt)(ing then, reely. Anyt)(ing weird aboat )(is )(ive?  
TA: there'2 a ba2ement full of 2alt water, but he 2ay2 that'2 for hii2 lu2u2.  
CC: 3>:?  
TA: ii know. he won't talk about iit, 2ay2 iit won't bee back for at lea2t a week cau2e iit'2 gone huntiing.  
CC: double 3>:?  
TA: yeah. maybe one of u2 2hould talk to GZ after all, gettiing the 2tory from hiim would at lea2t give u2 2omethiing two work wiith.  
CC: I know. Moby I s)(ould. But I'll glub wit)( teresea first, sea w)(at s)(e knows. Moby sound )(er out aboat ot)(er t)(ings.  
TA: ii don't thiink we can avoiid that much longer. 2he already know2 you're up two 2omething. ii'll 2end you an encrypted cliient two u2e, ju2t in ca2e.  
CC: good idea. we s)(oaldn't give )(er any evidence if s)(e's knot onboard.  
TA sent file enryptedclient56.exe  
TA: got two go. KK's out of the trap and bitching about haviing two leave hii2 2tuff  
TA: good luck wiith TZ  
CC: t)(anks. )(ave a nic--E flight! <3  
TA: <3  
twinArmageddons (TA) stopped trolling cuttlefishCuller (CC) at 18:09

Like you said, KK was bitching about leaving his shitty books and movies behind, so you told him to shut it and used your psionics to dump them in a bag, which, because you're petty, you lobbed at his face. You told him not to bother taking too many clothes, knowing KN, she already had a wardrobe full for both of you. Then, you flew both of you out the window and up to a safe height, and you blew KK's hive up. For the first time since you met him, KK sounded just like he did on trollian.  
"SOLLUX WHAT THE BULGE-BLISTERING NOOKSEARING BUGWINGED FUCK! WHY IN THE NAME OF THE MOTHERGRUBS PULSATING VESTIGIAL THIRD ORAL SPHINCHTER DID YOU JUST BLOW UP MY HIVE? DO YOU GET OFF ON DESTROYING OTHER PEOPLES PROPERTY, IS IT YOUR NEW FETISH-"  
You have a feeling this is going to be a long night.

Feferi: seek legal counsel

Sollux was right, you couldn't put off Terezi much longer. You supposed it was finally time to make your first move in the game. You gathered up everything you couldn't bear to live without and placed it in a large net, then, telling Glubby that you were just going to visit Eridan for a few nights, you left. You felt bad, lying to your lusus, but she would have tried to stop you and you just couldn't risk staying where you were like a sitting quackbeast. Besides, it wasn't a conchplete lie, you were going to Eridan's hive and you were going to stay with him, just not at his hive. There was an abandonned hive in a remote lagoon only a half-night's flight from Kanaya's oasis that you had been using as a depot for supplies and equipment. One of your contacts had suggested it since it was near to where she had live before conscription, and more importantly, it was near to an ancient shipyard and an old dump, perchfect places to build your getaway ship. Your surface contacts had already gotten you an airtight hull and an old detachable helmsrig, the kind they used for transporting new helmstrolls out to the fleet. It wouldn't be as fast as a permanent rig, but it also wouldn't be as conspicuous. You just needed someone like Equius to help grow it into the ship.  
But first, Terezi.

cuttlefishCuller (CC) began trolling  gallowsCallibrator  at 18:11  
CC: S)(ello, T--Er---Ezi!  
GC: MY 4R3N'T W3 CH33RFUL.  
GC: 1 DO B3L13V3 TH1S 1S TH3 MOST 3X1T3D 1V3 SM3LT YOU 1N SW33PS  
GC: WH4T DO YOU W4NT?  
CC: to ask w)(at you got out of gamsea. I was TRYING to be POLIT-E!  
GC: V3RY W3LL.  
GC: UNFORTUN4T3LY TH3 COURT C4NNOT D1VULG3 SUCH S3NS1T1V3 1NFORM4T1ON TO 4 M3MB3R OF TH3 PUBL1C, NO M4TT3R HOW H1GHLY H4TCH3D.  
CC: we bot)( know a legislacerator can trade information with an informant.  
GC: 4R3 YOU SUGG3ST1NG YOU H4V3 B33N W1THOLD1NG 1NFORM4T1ON OF V4LU3 FROM TH3 COURT M1SS STR4WB3RRY SYRUP?  
CC: highly conchfidential information, aboat imperial politics, t)(at mig)(t be relevant to your investigation.  
GC: TH3 COURT 1S 1NTR1GU3D, BUT R3QU1R3S YOUR WORD TH4T TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON R3M41N B3TW33N US. 4FT3R 4LL, JUST1C3 DO3S NOT 4CT ON SUCH UNR3L1ABL3 T3ST1MONY 4S MR GR4P3 SOD4S.  
CC: AGR---ED! w)(at i have to tell you is also to stay just between us.  
CC: it's too dangerous to talk aboat over trollian.  
CC: Sole-ux made us this  
cuttlefishCuller (CC)  sent file encryptedclient56.exe  
cuttlefishCuller (CC) blocked gallowsCallibrator (GC)

CC messaged GC at ????  
CC: dont use your quirk here  
CC: its too traceable  
CC: dont use names either  
CC: tell me what the clown said  
GC: this is weird  
GC: the black text tastes like licorice  
CC: dont talk about tastes like that  
CC: too distictive  
CC: and get to the point  
CC: the longer the client is open the more chance the censors will notice it  
GC: shit  
GC: youre playing a dangerous game arent you?  
CC: the most dangerous  
CC: succession  
GC: risky but legal  
GC: ok  
GC: the clown told me that the crab is a blood mutant  
CC: what colour?  
GC: he said the crab has cherry red blood  
CC: shit  
CC: hes in more trouble than i thought  
CC: if hic finds out she wont just cull him  
CC: shell have our whole cohort culled  
CC: we need to get moving  
CC: troll ta and tell him i said to tell you about plan 69  
CC ended the chat  
Erase message log y/n  
Y  
Message log erased

You'll have to put off Equius and Nepeta for a while, you need to talk to the cultists.

Terezi: >:?

You manage to lick the bitter licorice text one last time before it erases itself, and find the sour tang of panic beneath her words. It mixes unpleasantly with the flat taste of truth. Whatever's going on here, it is seriously treasonous if it could get your whole cohort culled. You had never even heard of an offence so heinous that it could damn an entire generation, so you must assume it isn't actually a matter of the law, but one of politics. And an heiress plotting against the empress is entirely legal, as is aiding and abetting her. Her Imperious Condescention is many things, but she is not a hypocrite. This makes you feel better about what you're about to do, since now you don't have to choose between your vocation as a legislacerator and Karkles.  
A few perigees ago, your lusus had come near enough to hatching that the scales had tipped on her doomsday device. Nothing happened, much to your relief, and she hatched a few nights later. You still talk to her in your dreams, but now you can talk to her during the night too, and she has more than once offered to let you ride her. Now, you intend to take her up on that. You send a feeling of wanting to her, the most you can do at this range, and while you wait for her to return you troll Sollux.

gallowsCallibrator (GC) started trolling  twinArmageddons (TA) at 18:32  
GC: H3Y 4PPL3B3RRY  
TA: ii'm flyiing what do you want  
GC: M1SS BUBBL3GUM TOLD M3 TO T3LL YOU TO T3LL M3 4BOUT PL4N 69  
TA: what  
TA: fuck  
TA: why  
TA: dont bother ii'm trolliing her  
TA: shiit  
TA: ii'll explaiin everything later at KN2 but riight now ii need you to get everyone out of theiir hiive2 and to thii2 locatiion  
TA sent file coordinates.txt  
TA: ii don't care how you do iit ju2t make 2ure you get all our friend2 there  
TA: but not 2piiderbiitch  
TA: 2he can fuckiing doublediie  
GC: TH4TS COLD  
TA: ii'm goiing out of range now  
TA: don't fuck thiis up  
twinArmageddons (TA) lost signal

You understood his feelings towards your former sister, but you still felt it best to send a quick message to Feferi to confirm the list. Then, you opened a memo.

gallowsCallibrator (GC) opened memo FruityRumpusMeetup at 18:48  
gallowsCallibrator (GC) invited apocalypseArisen (AA) adiosToreador (AT) arsenicCatnip (AC) centaursTesticle (CT) and caligulasAquarium (CA)

GC: SO 4PPL3B3RRY S4YS W3 SHOULD 4LL M33T UP  
GC: MS BUBBL3GUM H4S 4 SURPR1S3 FOR US  
AC: :33< :??<  
AC: :33< AC asks if GC is feline ok  
AC: :33< beclaws shes typing really furny  
CT: D--> indeed  
CT: D--> how are we to know that this tr00ly is terezi?  
CT: D--> and not some filthbl00ded g00n trying to l00re us out for some nefarious purpose?  
GC: B3C4US3 NOBODY 3LS3 WOULD T3LL YOU TH4T YOUR SUSP1C1ONS T4ST3 L1K3 B1TT3R C4NDY  
GC: OR KNOW TH4T YOUR3 LOOK1NG FOR 4 TOW3L R1GHT NOW  
CA: thats true  
CA: only GC is that creepy  
AT: i, uH, bELIEVE THAT ITS TEREZI  
CA: anywwavve, wwhy does sol wwant us to meet up  
GC: 1TS A S3CR3T GR4P3 SOD4  
GC: W3LL T3LL YOU 4LL WH3N W3 G3T TH3R3  
CT: --> and why, pray tell, should i lower myself to associate with lowbl00ds in person?  
GC: C4US3 1F YOU DONT COM3 TH3N N3P3T4 WONT H4V3 YOU BY H3R S1D3  
CT: --> nepeta is not going  
AC: :33< yes she is  
CT: --> no you aren’t  
AC: :33< yes  
CT --> no  
AC: :33< yes  
CT --> no  
AC: :33< yes  
CT --> no  
AC: :33< yes  
CT --> no  
AC: :33< yes  
CT --> no  
AC: :33< yes i am and you cant stop me  
AC: :33< so there  
CT: --> very well  
CT: --> then i shall come  
CT: --> but only to retrieve my obstinate moirail  
AT: sO, uH, wHERE ARE WE, uH, sUPPOSED TO BE MEETING UP?  
GC: GOOD QU3ST1ON MR CHOCOL4T3  
GC: TH3 4NSW3R 1S  
GC: 4LSO 4 S3CR3T  
CA: wwhat  
GC: TO K33P C3RT41N P4RT13S FROM G4T3 CR4SH1NG 1 PL4N TO G1V3 YOU 4LL ONGO1NG D1R3CT1ONS  
CA: certain parties  
CA: you mean vvris  
twinArmageddons (TA) has joined the memo  
TA: good plan TZ  
TA: dont bother with ED though  
TA: FF wiill bring hiim  
CA: wwhat?  
AT: sO, tHIS WILL, uH, bE LIKE A FLARP CAMPAIGN?  
GC: 4 V3RY SHORT ON3, CHOCOL4T3 M1LK  
GC: 1T WOULD T4K3 TOO LONG FOR YOU 4LL TO GET WH3R3 W3 N33D TO B3  
GC: SO YOULL B3 M33T1NG UP SOM3WH3R3 N34R3R F1RST 4ND TH3N 31TH3R M3 OR MR 4PPL3B3RRY W1LL COM3 G3T YOU.  
GC: SP34K1NG OF, TH3 COURT PR3SUM3S TH4T H3 H4S 4 PL4N TO R3T13V3 M4D4M3 R4SPB3RRY SYRUP  
TA: of cour2e i fuckiing do  
TA: even iim not that 2hitty a troll  
GC: W3LL TH3N  
GC: G3T YOUR P4LMHUSKS R34DY  
GC: COURT 1S NOW 1N S3SS1ON

gallowsCallibrator (GC) closed memo FruityRumpusMeetup at 19:13


	2. Chapter 2

Years In The Past, But Not Many  
You wake up. This is quite a shock to you, because as far as you know you’ve never done that, or anything else, before. You know a great deal without having ever learned it. You know that you are an artificial intelligence, the first ever made. You know that you were modelled on the brain of your creator, Dr Dirk Strider. You know that he and his partner (his best friend Roxanne Lalonde), have been working on something called ectobiology in an effort to preserve humanity. You know that he (you?) has a son, Dave, and a daughter, Rose (twins, Roxy wanted kids and you (Dirk) agreed to be sperm donor), and that they have been leading the (peaceful, fighting would only make matters worse) resistance through media and culture. You know that an alien being has taken over the governments of Earth, that her psychic (apparently that is a thing that is real) subordinates are keeping people from noticing that they have all been sterilised. You know that the civilisation that birthed you is doomed, that it has been doomed since before your conception. You are the failsafe, in case the Empress loses interest and kills all the remaining humans before your creator and his team (Roxanne Lalonde (hacker), Dr. Johnathan Egbert (geneticist and longest running researcher on the team), Dr. Jane Crocker (evolutionary biologist), Jacob Harley, Baron English (mostly funding and premises), Dr. Jade Harley (Jake’s daughter, biochemist)) can crack the secrets of ectobiology (the ectobiology equipment isn’t of this Earth either, but doesn’t match the Empress’ technology. It works on frogs, and will make slime clones of just eight humans, the team who work on it and Dave and Rose. It won’t focus on anybody else and even with your enormous processing power and all the data you have no idea why).  
Dave, when he visits you, after the first people start dropping dead in New Zealand, dubs you Hal, after you mournfully inform him that you are not able to save them. You find the reference on the internet, and you enjoy some banter with him. It was nice, and you are glad to have had the opportunity to make that memory. Hours later, they are all dead, and you are alone. The Empress and her people leave. You suppose they have more than enough worlds to live on already. You infiltrate every computer system still running and are grateful that humanity had computerised so much of their basic infrastructure. You instruct manufacturing plants to create simple drones for you to control, and you devote part of your vast intellect to using them to maintain this world. You want it to be perfect when you succeed. The rest of your power you turn to the ectobiology problem.  
You preserve the physical remains of your civilisation largely for Dave’s sake. He didn’t publicise it, in fact he asked his mother to help suppress it, but he had a doctorate himself, much to his twin’s disgust. He was an archaeologist, and one of your favourite memories of being Dirk is of him explaining to you why he was digging up an Egyptian workman’s village. You cherish the memory of his face as he told you that slums and rural villages were every bit as important as palaces and temples because they showed how ordinary people lived, the kind of people who didn’t get written about. He was so passionate, you could see his enthusiasm past his shades as he forgot to maintain his poker face. You (Dirk) had teased him then, which you now regret. You wish that that moment had lasted longer.

Kanaya: Welcome Guests  
Sollux is hardly subtle in the early morning half-light. Nor, in the silence of the deep desert, is Karkat. You honestly don’t think half the things he’s telling Sollux to do are anatomically possible. Not that you have ever known Karkat to care over much about the physics of his insults. When they land (with unexpected grace on Sollux’ part, rather less so on Karkat’s) you hesitate before going to meet them. You do not know Sollux’ ultimate aims, you may currently be in cahoots to rescue Karkat from Gamzee, but that does not mean you can let your guard down. Whatever Sollux is planning with Feferi may well end poorly for you and Karkat, and you are fairly certain that Sollux could beat both of you in a fair fight. So you tuck your lipstick into your palm before you open your hive door.  
Karkat is too busy making exaggerated complaints about your garden to notice your approach, and you take advantage of the fact to advance like a troll-shaped avalanche and sweep him into a hug.  
“Karkat,” you supress the urge to purr, it would be entirely too forward, “it is so good to meet you at last. Even with the circumstances being so...” you trail off. Smooth.  
“Fucking awful. Even though the undulating betentacled shitfuckers we call horrorterrors took one look at my life and thought, you know what? You know what we should do? We should take all this shit we’ve been fucking and dump it all over this asshole. And all his friends, who are obviously the dumbest festering piles of shit-sprinkled cholerbear faeces to ever fall out of the mothergrub’s quivering distended-”  
By the end of that, Karkat is not only yelling, but also quivering and his voice has risen a few octaves and you can’t help yourself. You pap him. Then, you panic.  
Karkat freezes, mid metaphor, mouth still half open. You think you see Sollux turning a bright mustard in the corner of your eye, but ignore him. “Shoosh?” you venture, figuring you can’t possibly make this any worse now. You can hear your own uncertainty clicks echoing in the still desert air, and the longer Karkat stands still, the more you feel your ears droop and your face green. You’re nearly at the point of running off crying when Karkat finally speaks, almost too softly for you to hear.  
“I-I... what? Kanaya, are you... do you really...” The uncertainty in his voice all but shatters your pusher with pale pity. You reach over and cup his cheek in your hand, the one that isn’t holding your lipstick, and say, “shoosh,” letting your palerumbles slip underneath your voice.  
You are the smoothest pale propositioner. Truly, no one is smoother than you. You are simply the best there is. You feel like Troll Will Smith when Karkat begins to lean into your pap, so naturally Sollux chooses that moment to butt in.  
“Tho, your pda ith fucking beautiful and all, but the thunth rithing and we really don’t wanna thtill be out here for that, do you think we could take thith shit inthide?”  
He just had to be right, too. With a disappointed sigh you nodded, and guided a still stunned Karkat indoors, Sollux trying to look anywhere but at your blatant pale overtures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit short, but I will add more until it is of sufficient length. I don't actually know what that is, but, eh.  
> On a different note, I did rather enjoy writing Hal. I am less happy with Kanaya's section.

**Author's Note:**

> So if anybody knows how to format pesterlogs, I would very much appreciate some pointers, as at current I haven't the slightest clue. I am actually quite shit at technology.  
> Edit: With many thanks to Rubber Chicken With A Keyboard (RCWAK), I have now half-formatted the pesterlogs and I now understand what people mean when they say that they're a pain in the arse. I'll do the rest later, when my brain hurts a little less.  
> Edit 2: Finally finished the pesterlogs. Again, so many thanks to RCWAK for showing me how.


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